Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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