Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
