I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
