I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
