I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
