Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
