the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Boobs speak an international language.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
