recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
