When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have tasted many bathrooms
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize