I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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