if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
