Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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