Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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