I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
