dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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