I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
