Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
