i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize