I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
