just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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