who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
