Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
