Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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