So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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