I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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