Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
