Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize