My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
