I accidentally had phone sex last night
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
