Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
