I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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