May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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