I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
