I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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