Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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