those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I need to align my fucking chakras
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
