My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
