I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
