Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
