Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
