Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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