Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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