There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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