I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
