no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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