This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
