I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
