K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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