omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
