update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
