dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
