Can i not drive my cunt home
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
