My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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