I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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