My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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