I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
