Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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