Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
