wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
