It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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