ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize