my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
