Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
